I’ve Been Down Here Before, All My Bones and Joints are Sore

Posted in Uncategorized on July 4, 2010 by scaryjarad

I’m back, and still continuing my habit of using song lyrics to title these collections of angst. Normally I take a while between posts because to be honest I can’t be fucked, but this time there was a reason (whether or not it was a good one is yet to be determined)  I had to wait for it to get cold to get into the right mindset for this one. I’ll elaborate.

Anyone who knows me or at the very least have read my previous blog on disability know that I suffer from Ankylosing Spondylitis, it’s a condition with many facets the main one is joint pain, up until about a year ago that manifested itself in the form of moderate to severe back pain and some knee problems. That was until I finally got the diagnosis last year and started treatment, the treatment consists of injecting a TNF blocker into my system every fortnight things had been going well for most of the time since then my movements had become less stiff and the pain waned.

But about a month ago winter began, I was interested to see how even with the meds my body was going to cope with cold weather, I went into this with mindset that at the very least things couldn’t get any worse. How wrong I was, not only is the back pain still as bad as it ever was but my peripheral joints started to stiffen my elbows lock up my ankles will buckle if put under any strain from say crouching, and my right hand is now virtually useless( for those of you who know me and see that I always wrap a bandana around my left hand, it’s for warmth to prevent it from fucking up on me) and even my jaw has been known to refuse to open up all the way. To recap I can’t crouch, I can’t eat anything to big there are times when I can’t extend my arm and most frighteningly of all I’m losing dexterity.

Why am I writing this you may ask, it’s not like my previously humourous entries where I rant and verbally assault others, well for one I really need a good bitch session and when you spend 5 days out of the week on your own that’s hard to come by and have it being satisfying, but more importantly it probably gives the best insight into why i am the way I am and what’s going through my head most of the time.

Well with that out of the way I hope to bring you something a bit more light-hearted next time because whenever I talk about this insipid disease I die a little bit inside.

I’m out


Your Mom Made Meatloaf Even Though I Don’t Eat Meat(why Rivers Cuomo needs to grow a pair)

Posted in Grievances on April 29, 2010 by scaryjarad

That title may be a tad unfair but I want to keep my theme of using song lyrics as titles and the only one I could think of that alluded to vegetarianism was that weezer song, I like weezer I really do and I have no beef with River Cuomo I just needed to have a punchy title so from the start I will say sorry Rivers Cuomo, now that’s over with on with the blog.

Now while I have no beef with Rivers what I do have beef with vegetarians(pun fully intended) to be more specific militant vegetarians or even worse vegans. You all know the type they feel obligated to inform you that the delicious hamburger your wolfing down came from a cow and was probably treated poorly before getting a spike to the head, my usual argument is good I’d feel a whole lot worse if they treated it like royalty before serving it up to me because well I can’t explain it I just would.

the worse kind are the ill-informed militant vegan/vegetarians and this is where i hit anecdote territory once i was sitting at hungry jacks clogging my arteries with the awesome quad stack when some dude came up to me and started to lecture me on the evils of my carnivorous activity (what he was doing at a fast food chain known for its flame grilled burgers I’ll never know probably there to build his daily quota of douchebaggery), now usually I’d just ignore people like this because quite frankly I can but this day was different, this day I wanted my say. Fortunately I know a fair bit more than I’d like about what happens to the various parts of the bovine that aren’t delicious meat and I noticed that he had a mars bar in his hand(it may have been a kit kat I don’t quite remember all I know is that it was one of those chocolate bars that say halal on the wrapper) so I decided to drop a knowledge bomb on this particular fucktard and asked him if he knew why the chocolate bar he was eating had the words halal on it he said he didn’t know then i asked him if he knew what gelatine was he replied something about sugar crystals and magic to which I responded after a particularly satisfying bite of my burger “hooves” he gave me a weird look as if I’d just said the word for no apparent reason so I elaborated that hooves and sometimes bits of bone are used in gelatine he looked disgusted then I realised something I now have the moral high ground i went on to say “how dare you judge me when you are wasteful you only use on small and specific part of the animal where as I wear the leather, I eat the flesh and I eat the hooves(on some occasions I glue with it) you sir are a wasteful monster” the young man was dumbfounded and backed away slowly as I stared him down with a judging stare I pulled out my cigarette and lit up a victory smoke to which I was promptly kicked out of the outside dining area of the establishment I smiled and said thank you and walked off happy in the knowledge that I just blew someone’s mind to the point he may reevaluate his belief system.

Wow that was a Long anecdote and I think I may have forgotten what my point was, oh right it’s the same point I’ve made before don’t try to change my mind about things don’t tell me to stop smoking, don’t take my beer away and for fuck sake don’t get between me and my meat in all three circumstances you are likely to get bitten(not metaphorically i will go for flesh) just leave people be if i want to feast on the flesh of a lower animal it’s my business so fuck off and go to your PETA(by the way I don’t mind if women decide to get naked to try to prove a point, I mean it wont change my mind but i do like to look at it).

Ok that’s it I’m having a sugar crash J out

Hey Man Jaws was never my scene and I don’t like Star Wars

Posted in Uncategorized on April 6, 2010 by scaryjarad

Well queen may have nutshelled it nicely but I’m going to elaborate, yes I am delving into the world of mainstream cinema and I am going to drop a huge bombshell to those who don’t actually know me. I have never seen a Star Wars film in its entirety.

Now there are a couple of reasons for this the easiest one to explain is that it’s been around so long and had such an impact on popular culture that just about everything else I watch has referenced it one way or another to the point where I can pretty much piece the story together myself the second reason is that for reasons unknown to me whenever I start watching it the story doesn’t grab me, I don’t find any of the characters particularly appealing and immersing myself into the star wars universe just doesn’t happen.

That rather large pre-amble brings me to my point which is that should be ok, people shouldn’t have to bitch at me for not liking it, they should accept it and move on. But apparently me not seeing/enjoying 6 movies is an affront to the collective and all they believe in, here’s another shocker I haven’t seen Indiana Jones either for the same reasons as above.

But there is another reason I haven’t seen what most people refer to as ‘the great’ and it’s as simple as because you want me to. You see a lot of my actions are fueled by spite you keep telling me not to smoke I’m going to smoke 3 cigarettes in 10 minutes and make you watch, tell me to get a job and contribute to society and I’m going to sit at home and write a meaningless blog that contributes nothing and if you harp on about a movie I don’t have any interest in seeing I am going to go out of my way to avoid seeing it. It’s probably my inner indie kid, but for the love of god don’t lump me in with the movie snobs crowd, we all know them they are the ones who roll their eyes when you tell them you enjoy slasher movies then crap on about Citizen Kane and for 2 hours and the verbally berate you if you bring up the gaping plothole within it, worst still are the intellectuals that claim they understand whats going on in David Lynch’s work, for fuck sake David Lynch doesn’t even know what’s going on in his films.

I’d like to write more about this but I can’t be fucked though it was nice to release the pressure valve after a while, stay tuned for why I have a beef with vegetarians and how P.E.T.A can go fuck themselves

More from the collections of a decaying mind

Posted in Uncategorized on November 16, 2009 by scaryjarad

Last time I shared my personal stuff it went over rather well so here I am to do it again. But before I go into it i’d just like to say that I believe that my habit of deep introspection is going to lead to one of two things, a psychotic break or an existential epiphany, and with that here we go.

It’s weird to find comfort in the darkness, there’s a safety in the danger. I guess i’m just a massive contradiction. I walk along the edge of the abyss taunting all those in my wake.  The lure of insanity is intoxicating, the inner beast lusts after a taste of freedom and the temptation to allow such disregard is incredibly strong. But allowing the nightmares to come out means losing everything and with that one is forced to ask oneself if it would be worth it, because the cost of freedom.

It’s during these thoughts a recurring theme appears, what would they all think if they knew the truth, more importantly should I care. One day someone may be ready to know the real me, but not in the forseeable future, but who knows I have been wrong before (though that is often overshadowed by how overwhelmingly right I often am about these things).

And there we go, that little piece is fresh from a last night. Now some of my friends who know how private I am may be wondering why i’ve been divulging such thoughts, well it’s not for your benefit otherwise i’d tell you face to face. No the reason i’m doing it in such a public fashion is in the hopes someone impartial will come along and tell me if i’m as crazy as I think. And with that bid you farewell until next time.

Probaby shouldn’t Do this

Posted in Uncategorized on October 13, 2009 by scaryjarad

Today I’m going to regale you with an entry from my private stash of writing, it’s a bit darker and a lot more personal than the stuff I usually post. That said what i’m about to show you is by no means the worst thing written in my little black book but i’m still very hesitant about sharing it.

I really don’t know why i’m doing this oh well here tis.

I’ve been tracking my thoughts, my writings and the various fucked up shit that I see, say and do. and it would appear that the closer I come to a psychotic break the more whimsical it all becomes, the world takes on a horrifying, twisted and strangely beautiful visage. Things all seem to make sense when they are all in shambles and when there’s order about it all becomes confusing. There is honesty in peoples lies and the truth becomes dishonest.

I fear what will happen if/when I take that dive over the edge and accept the world as it truly is, a massive contradiction. I’ll see what many have seen before me and share their fate a padded room, men in white coats and everyone telling me my way of thinking is wrong.



Well that’s the entry most of my little black book is like that thoughts on insanity and the futility of things. So I leave you now, no cheerful goodbye this time I don’t have it in me.

The Upside and Downside of Disability

Posted in Uncategorized on July 21, 2009 by scaryjarad

I know I say this everytime but fuck it’s been a while. I have a decent excuse this time many things have been going on in my life all with their own ups and downs. I’ve been going to therapy to deal with my feelings of bitterness towards all that surround me, but it sapped me of inspiration. I also recently got diagnosed with a rare and incurable bone disease called Ankylosing Spondylitis (or AS for short) anyone who has read the dirt is well aware of the basics of what its entails, for everyone else look it up yourself i’m sick of explaining it to people and quite frankly everytime I do it reminds me of what lies ahead and that thought depresses me.

Now to the article, i’m talking about having a disability not being on disability (which is apparently a lot harder than those taudry current affairs shows will have you believe). I’m not the most positive person in the world but even I can see the good this particular disease has done for me. The first thing is patience, when it takes you at least 2 hours to get out of bed in the morning you learn to bide your time in most situations for fear of mind numbing pain. It also has given me a fair bit of self control whilst under the influence, knowing that doing the stupid shit your friends are doing can have you flat on your back for 3 days straight makes you think twice about every decision you make. along the same vain(?spelling?) I have also learnt how amusing it is to watch everyone interact to the point I can usually see what will result before they know it themselves.

Now to the downside pretty obvious stuff here, pain, feelings of isolation the fact that I can’t act my age because I have the body movement of an 80 year old with plastic hips. There’s also the high tolerance to pain killers (most substances really) which has made a lot of things financially out of reach. a new downside has been added recently the fact that every fortnight I have to jam a syringe into my leg and leave it there for 10 seconds, which doesn’t sound like long, but considering it hurts more than my tattoo did it’s more time than I feel is necessarry to have a needle in my leg.

Anyhow that’s the long and short of it stay tuned for my list of people that I want to punch in the fac. whenever I get around to doing that so as always I wish you a bully day.

P.S fuck correct grammar

I Hate Indie Kids

Posted in Uncategorized on November 8, 2008 by scaryjarad

Before I start this I have 2 things to confess, the first is that my guilty pleasure band is Nickleback the second being I’ve had a couple of drinks tonight so my spelling and grammar is going to be far worse than usual. That said my muse seems to be in the form of an alcoholic banshee, meaning that when i’ve had a few and I get an idea it screams in my head until I write it down.

Now you (Morgan*) may be perplexed as to why I felt the need to divulge my guilty pleasure band, it’s because I have friends who frown upon the enjoyment of such music and when I ask why the best answer they can give is because they are sell outs. Which begs the question why is it that when a band decides to try and make money, and not compromise their sound(this being the most important part of my question) are they sell outs, and I always come to the same conclusion bloody Indie kids.

I loathe Indie music and the funny thing it isn’t because of the music it’s because of how fickle the fans are. As far as I can tell the mark of a good indie band is how unknown the band is, as soon as more than 10 people know of the band they are classed as sell outs, or mainstream. Now lets be real here music is a business and one needs to make money to continue doing what one loves so what difference does it make if the band is making a little scratch on the side.

As long as the music sounds the same, there is the same stage presence and the money hasnt gone to the bands headm who gives a shit if you’re no longer the only guy you know listening to the particular band.

* I’m still fairly certain that Morgan is the only person who reads this. Prove me wrong people comment