More from the collections of a decaying mind

Last time I shared my personal stuff it went over rather well so here I am to do it again. But before I go into it i’d just like to say that I believe that my habit of deep introspection is going to lead to one of two things, a psychotic break or an existential epiphany, and with that here we go.

It’s weird to find comfort in the darkness, there’s a safety in the danger. I guess i’m just a massive contradiction. I walk along the edge of the abyss taunting all those in my wake.  The lure of insanity is intoxicating, the inner beast lusts after a taste of freedom and the temptation to allow such disregard is incredibly strong. But allowing the nightmares to come out means losing everything and with that one is forced to ask oneself if it would be worth it, because the cost of freedom.

It’s during these thoughts a recurring theme appears, what would they all think if they knew the truth, more importantly should I care. One day someone may be ready to know the real me, but not in the forseeable future, but who knows I have been wrong before (though that is often overshadowed by how overwhelmingly right I often am about these things).

And there we go, that little piece is fresh from a last night. Now some of my friends who know how private I am may be wondering why i’ve been divulging such thoughts, well it’s not for your benefit otherwise i’d tell you face to face. No the reason i’m doing it in such a public fashion is in the hopes someone impartial will come along and tell me if i’m as crazy as I think. And with that bid you farewell until next time.

Probaby shouldn’t Do this

Today I’m going to regale you with an entry from my private stash of writing, it’s a bit darker and a lot more personal than the stuff I usually post. That said what i’m about to show you is by no means the worst thing written in my little black book but i’m still very hesitant about sharing it.

I really don’t know why i’m doing this oh well here tis.

I’ve been tracking my thoughts, my writings and the various fucked up shit that I see, say and do. and it would appear that the closer I come to a psychotic break the more whimsical it all becomes, the world takes on a horrifying, twisted and strangely beautiful visage. Things all seem to make sense when they are all in shambles and when there’s order about it all becomes confusing. There is honesty in peoples lies and the truth becomes dishonest.

I fear what will happen if/when I take that dive over the edge and accept the world as it truly is, a massive contradiction. I’ll see what many have seen before me and share their fate a padded room, men in white coats and everyone telling me my way of thinking is wrong.

 

 

Well that’s the entry most of my little black book is like that thoughts on insanity and the futility of things. So I leave you now, no cheerful goodbye this time I don’t have it in me.

The Upside and Downside of Disability

I know I say this everytime but fuck it’s been a while. I have a decent excuse this time many things have been going on in my life all with their own ups and downs. I’ve been going to therapy to deal with my feelings of bitterness towards all that surround me, but it sapped me of inspiration. I also recently got diagnosed with a rare and incurable bone disease called Ankylosing Spondylitis (or AS for short) anyone who has read the dirt is well aware of the basics of what its entails, for everyone else look it up yourself i’m sick of explaining it to people and quite frankly everytime I do it reminds me of what lies ahead and that thought depresses me.

Now to the article, i’m talking about having a disability not being on disability (which is apparently a lot harder than those taudry current affairs shows will have you believe). I’m not the most positive person in the world but even I can see the good this particular disease has done for me. The first thing is patience, when it takes you at least 2 hours to get out of bed in the morning you learn to bide your time in most situations for fear of mind numbing pain. It also has given me a fair bit of self control whilst under the influence, knowing that doing the stupid shit your friends are doing can have you flat on your back for 3 days straight makes you think twice about every decision you make. along the same vain(?spelling?) I have also learnt how amusing it is to watch everyone interact to the point I can usually see what will result before they know it themselves.

Now to the downside pretty obvious stuff here, pain, feelings of isolation the fact that I can’t act my age because I have the body movement of an 80 year old with plastic hips. There’s also the high tolerance to pain killers (most substances really) which has made a lot of things financially out of reach. a new downside has been added recently the fact that every fortnight I have to jam a syringe into my leg and leave it there for 10 seconds, which doesn’t sound like long, but considering it hurts more than my tattoo did it’s more time than I feel is necessarry to have a needle in my leg.

Anyhow that’s the long and short of it stay tuned for my list of people that I want to punch in the fac. whenever I get around to doing that so as always I wish you a bully day.

P.S fuck correct grammar

I Hate Indie Kids

Before I start this I have 2 things to confess, the first is that my guilty pleasure band is Nickleback the second being I’ve had a couple of drinks tonight so my spelling and grammar is going to be far worse than usual. That said my muse seems to be in the form of an alcoholic banshee, meaning that when i’ve had a few and I get an idea it screams in my head until I write it down.

Now you (Morgan*) may be perplexed as to why I felt the need to divulge my guilty pleasure band, it’s because I have friends who frown upon the enjoyment of such music and when I ask why the best answer they can give is because they are sell outs. Which begs the question why is it that when a band decides to try and make money, and not compromise their sound(this being the most important part of my question) are they sell outs, and I always come to the same conclusion bloody Indie kids.

I loathe Indie music and the funny thing it isn’t because of the music it’s because of how fickle the fans are. As far as I can tell the mark of a good indie band is how unknown the band is, as soon as more than 10 people know of the band they are classed as sell outs, or mainstream. Now lets be real here music is a business and one needs to make money to continue doing what one loves so what difference does it make if the band is making a little scratch on the side.

As long as the music sounds the same, there is the same stage presence and the money hasnt gone to the bands headm who gives a shit if you’re no longer the only guy you know listening to the particular band.

* I’m still fairly certain that Morgan is the only person who reads this. Prove me wrong people comment

Celebrity Death and The Media Respnse

I haven’t posted in a while and there’s a good reason. This is a touchy subject in certain circles as was proven by that Chaser song last year (which for the most part things that were said were true). When I heard about Mark Priestley’s suicide and then the media shitstorm that followed I was reminded of the Heath Ledger incident.

Well it’s been a month now so I feel it’s safe to vent my spleen so to speak. Why is it whenever a celebrity dies no matter what they have done in the past (drugs, adultery, animal cruelty or violence) they are deemed the greatest person in existence. Take Heath Ledger before his death the media hated him, mostly because of that whole water pistol paparazzi incident and labelled him a bad boy or scoundrel but once his dead he’s apparently the greatest actor of all time, please if hadn’t have done Brokeback Mountain and Batman he’d be remembered as that kid from 10 things I hate about you(and still be considered great and misunderstood). This Mark Priestly dude I’m not familiar with his work because I’d rather drive hot needles into my scrotum than watch All Saints. So I looked him up for a majority of his career playing bit parts maybe he was great at them but being great as an extra is like winning gold at the Paralympics yes you’ve done good but nobody really cares.

Another Australian who died Steve Irwin was chastised by everyone while alive for animal cruelty, his movie bombed and he made the world think that all those who come from the land down under enjoy taunting reptiles in their spare time. He gets stuck by a stingray (the animal world got vengeance and celebrated that day) and suddenly he wasn’t dick he was a wildlife warrior, apparently he’s movie was the greatest Australian movie since Madmax. Then Germaine Greer comes out and says what we were all saying for years before his death and gets chastised for once in my life I felt sorry for the steely old bird.

As a catholic I have pretty good grasp on the inner workings of the bible, so it irritates me when a celebrity buys the farm that apparently they can get into heaven regardless of the rules as if their status on Earth gives them preferential treatment. My understanding of heaven and the rules of entry are that it’s a tad more exclusive than the old no shoes no shirt no entry rule. All that said here’s a short list of celebs that people say in heaven but are really in hell and the reasons why.

- JFK; Adultery is a sin people and Kennedy was a skirt chaser

-Marilyn Monro; Look I’m actually not too sure about this, it was ruled a probable suicide which is a big no no

-Kurt Cobain; Suicide

- Heath Ledger; Homosexuality, granted he wasn’t actually gay but God kicked Adam and Eve out of Eden for eating fruit I don’t think he would care if homosexuality was real or fiction

- Mark Priestley; Suicide

This list does rest upon God’s actual existence, that said no god no heaven so I win anyway. And this judgemental list isn’t to say I’m a perfect catholic (considering I’ve been using the 10 commandments as personal checklist of achievements, 2 to go) I’m well aware I would be going to hell.

I don’t mean to speak ill of the dead (yes I do) but just because someone is dead doesn’t mean their slate is clean and all truths about their past are irrelevant, that’s the point I’m trying to get across.

Well until next time to my only reader I bid thee farewell and may all your days be Bully

Popularity, Fanboys and other things that can FUCK RIGHT OFF

Sitting here listening to some awesome Creedance simultaneously trying to ignore the frequent bleating of a kitten in heat(I wont let her out because if I’m not getting any no one is), I’m somewhat reminded of the cries of sell out by genre fan boys or the shunning silence of top 40 popularity queens. This is not to say that Creedance has sold out nor is it saying they are unpopular, it’s just a reminder.

When people hear, or in most cases read about, fan boys it’s usually a gaming term. But I don’t think that the term should be medium exclusive and heres why;

In any type of media you will find pimpled somewhat morbidly obese fucktards who once they find something they feel is their own, will latch on to it like a face hugger from the Alien series and berate and harass anyone who doesn’t share their opinion, while at the same time abuse other fan boys of a different yet so miniscule in difference that to outside observers he is in fact ragging on his own cord so to speak. Now I will be the first to admit that I have been guilty of such crimes of faggotry at times though I do give better reasons for my hatred than ”lolz itz for fgz”.

My name is Jarad and I am a Metal head “Hi Jarad”. When looking at the music industry as a whole and picking out and finding different genres you will never find as many sub-genres as in metal there is; Metal, Thrash-metal, Nu-metal, Hardcore, Hair-Metal etc.. Now I listen to bands such as Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Black Sabbath you know the bands that started it all. But that’s not to say I don’t listen to anything else I also enjoy bowie, as mentioned before Creedance, Punk and yes even some old school rap (Grandmaster Flash, Sugarhill Gang and Cypress Hill) but I do disdain some music here be the list;

- Techno- Its just sounds randomly made by a computer with the occasional “how deep is your love” line thrown in. If I wanted to put up with that I could buy a 90s modem and listen to that all night while popping ecstasy.

-Gangster Rap- If I here one more song about Bitches, Hoes and popping caps I will become violent.

-Metal core (emo metal)- Its like extreme boy band music, all they do is pander to what the youth want which right now is songs about how misunderstood and angst ridden they are, and we all he one mantard to blame for it, I’m looking at you Gerard Way.

-Emo- Just an acoustic version of the above, the domain of Dashboard Confessional and the Ataris (a band who by name alone earned the scourge of many gamers)

Have you noticed a trend with my list, that’s right they are all genres that are or have at one time been extremely popular (or the new black) god star to you. Which brings me to the next part of this blog; Popularity

Now as a Metal head I’ve never been the cool kid, I was the scary kid who got invited to parties in case “shit got bad”. According to the community (by which I mean the popular kids, the government and fuddy duddies) as a metal head I am Unintelligent, violent and like to rape Puppies in my spare time which is false (I kill them). This mind imploding ignorance has always supplied me with a small amount of amusement as an outsider looking in on the hierarchy that exists within popular culture. In Australia we don’t have the complete segregation between cliques that you observe in American teen movies. On the surface it seems it doesn’t exist but dig a little deeper and you’ll find a cesspool (I love that word) of hate and subtle segregation. I’ve noticed that it’s more prominent amongst teenage girls because guys seem to be indifferent to the differences.

Now this has been a wordy blog and I’ve written more than I had planned so here’s a quick list of other things that can FUCK RIGHT OFF.

-Current Affairs Shows- No one cares which fucktard lost their house this week

-The Medical community as a whole- There are a few exceptions but this goes back to a personal beef I have with them

-Emos- Shouldn’t have to be stated but then again one can never overstate their hatred of this stain on the youth of today and my calls for a cull have gone mostly unheeded

-Grammar- It was brought to my attention after my last post that my grammar wasn’t the best and needed work, well Morgan thanks for the input but its the internet and this is not the worst spelling/grammar out on the web(see 4chan where grammar/spelling goes to die

well that’s about all I can think of right now I’ll probably add to it in time but right now I can’t be arsed so to what is mostly likely my 1 reader I bid thee farewell and may all your days be bully.

What Up

Well it’s official I have become one of the millions of dickheads on the net who is giving my unsolicited opinion, with one main difference, i’m well aware that none of you give 2 shits about what I have to say. That in mind lets get on with this farce of a blog.

They say sart with what you know and if the don’t they should, who are they you ask they are the intelligent people who come up with all our sayings, adages and the things people say verbatim to sound intelligent.

Now back to what I know, well music, as an unemployed cripple with no love-life to speak of it has been the saviour that stopped me slipping into psychosis and stabbing people on the bus/train etc.

Right now my mind is brought to the high expectations that John Q. Dumb-ass (that would be you) have of the average musician. There’s always trepidation and excitement when a new album comes out because because it can be a major fuck up. The main reason is that musicians are put into a catch 22 of sorts by morons such as fans/critics/etc which I will collectively refer to as dumb-asses. They want something new, different and exciting but will bitch if it doesn’t sound the same or hold it to certain expectations of last albums. A good example of this is the monumental fuck up of Metallica’s album St. Anger, which in its own right is a good album, it just wasn’t a good Metallica album which is not the bands fault they were breaking in their third bass player, for some reason “the dumb-asses” sem to hold every album Metallica have done to the master of puppets album which is wrong, each album an artist produces should be judged on its own merits.

The otherthing that can happen is that a band or artist has found a formula that works for them, a way they enjoy playing the music but if they keep bringing out consecutively good albums for some reason “the dumb-asses” bitch that it all sounds the same not being able to judge subtly nuances case in point Motley Crue, every album was similar yet had important differences but that wasn’t good enough for “the Dumb-asses” and wanted something different they fired Vince Neil brought in John Corabi tried to do the grunge thing but it didn’t work, just like it didn’t work for Van Halen just like genre jumping will never work for a band with a solid fanbase in a cetain genre

Look I guess my point is you can like or not like something but make up your mind about what you like and don’t bitch just be thankful that great musicians haven’t all become too jaded by your hypocritical criticisms to stop producing and performing